Forgive Them... !!

Times have changed and each one of us alive stands witness to that. Times have changed, from the pleasant evenings of the crimson filled sky to the blood smeared roads. Times have changed, from the chuckles and voices of people in a busy market to the deafening noise of screams and blasts. Times have changed, from hustle and bustle of life to piles of corpses and limbs scattered all over the place. Times sure have changed in the past 25 years, my lifespan, so far. I say so far, since i dont know long i am allowed to live anymore, how long will these terrorists have mercy on me and my brethren. My days, i feel, are numbered.

I am writing this article in hope for a change, for i am tired of seeing my fellow countrymen die. I am writing this article, in sheer despair, for i have stood witness to innumerable terrorist attacks and bomb blasts in my meager life span of 25 yrs. I am writing this article, cause i feel the pain of my kinsmen and can hear the screams of the people who have lost a loved one. I am writing this article, cause the gruesome images of the blood pools on the streets of my country, haunt me at night. I am writing this article, cause i feel helpless at the plight of my country and its innocent citizens who have suffered. But most important of all, i am writing this article, because i feel that the anger of losing a loved one has filled the hearts of my people with anger and has clouded their senses; for my people have lost their path and now wander aimlessly in the tunnels of darkness, with blood smeared walls and the stench of burning flesh in the air.

I woke up to a war. I woke up to a time where anger and not sensibility rules our judgement. I woke up to an era, where people understand pain and hatred but not love, understand anger and punishment but not forgiveness, understand haste but not patience, understand the problem but not the solution, understand despair but not hope, understand death but not life and most important of all, understand religion but not god. Its difficult to comprehend the pain that someone goes through when they lose someone, but then its equally difficult to show compassion towards those who wrong us. It might sound stupid and probably over applied in the Indian scenario, since we are known to be compassionate towards our enemies since time immemorial and thus have been always at the receiving end. But then we also must understand that terrorism is an idea, a concept that brews in the minds of the weak. One cannot kill terrorism by killing the person who harbours it, for it will find a new mind to corrupt and prey upon. An idea must be changed and through this change can we truly achieve what we all strive i.e. Peace. Justice will not be done to the constable's soul who gave up his life to catch Kasab by hanging Kasab, but by bringing about a change in the minds of all those who will become Kasab's in the days to come. True justice is in bringing about this change and not in killing the one who killed 167 people.

The world is truly a fragile place. Fragile cause something as important as Peace hangs on the balance of volatile people and countries. People are vulnerable, emotional and unstable. The loss of a loved one, a dear friend, a husband, a wife, a father, a son, a mother drives us insane to the extent that we would do anything to see the person who caused this loss, suffer the same fate. All i have to say is that an eye for an eye, a hand of a hand, a limb for a limb will leave the whole world dead. This saga of i-kill-you-because-you-killed-me will only bring more violence rather than peace. It will push us all into a vicious cycle of violence and death from which none of us will ever be able to return back. 60 yrs into independence and already the thin fine line between who was right and who was wrong is starting to blend into oblivion. 200 yrs from now, we probably will not even know anymore as to what was right and what was wrong. We would have all turned into mindless and heartless zombies who only care about getting even with the ones who hurt them. Humanity is already at peril and in 200 yrs or less it will be extinct.


One day, things will change. One day the world will realize. One day our lives will be better. One day, life will be beautiful and sacred once again. I lay awake in hope to see that day when peace and sanity will once again prevail upon us and our lives and the generations to come ahead, unlike us, will wake up to a better world. One day, I hope that the streets in india will change for better and that people will cast of their fears to walk freely someday. One day, I hope for a change of heart for those who think killing the right or the wrong ones is the solution to the problem.

But Today, i pray for those who lost a loved one in the Mumbai blasts and ask God to rest their souls in peace. But on this day, i also ask God to forgive those who caused harm to these innocent people for they are misguided and misled. I pray that someday, God grants them enlightenment and makes then realize their sins and show them the correct path. Amen.. !!

Awaken Me

awaken me from my ignorant slumber, 

for i want to see this ruthless world, 

awaken me from my optimistic drunken stupor, 

for i want to see it all.

awaken me from my inanity, 

for i want to stand witness to the people rage,

awaken me from my banality, 

for i want to see this world change.

awaken me from my decadence, 

for i want to stand firm in such turbulent times, 

awaken me from my morbid existence,

for i want to face all the human crimes. 

awaken me from this human grave, 

for all my life i just stood and watched. I knew

the war was here and we were few, 

yet i stood and watched. 

Brave men came and brave men fought, 

with their guns and with their words. Yet all

i ever did was stood and watched.

Now i refuse to let history pass by, 

now i refuse to stand idle and die,

for i have watched for far too long, 

its finally time to undo the wrong.

awaken me from my ignorant slumber, 

for i want to see this beautiful world, 

awaken me, 

for i want to see it all.

 

The Hindu-Hindu Dilemma.. !!

Recently me and a couple of my Facebook friends had a small discussion about the pseudo secular nature of the Congress government and on the topic of Hindu extremism. This an account of the discussion we had:

My friend was concerned and a bit furious over the recent wikileaks: "Rahul Gandhi felt that hindu extremism is probably a bigger threat to the nation than the LeT or other jihadist groups." He said that the congress government was pseudo secular and that they only care about the vote bank politics and hindus have never wronged anyone either in the past or now, but have been constantly wronged by other religions and religious communities in the past

Me: "why is there such a hue and cry over the media and everything when the only thing Rahul Gandhi did was state the obvious... !! Hindu extremism is a far bigger threat for a secular India as compared to any other form of terrorism, this has the potential to completely break down the very fabric of the secular and democratic image which india so proudly claims.. and hw long will the indian turn a blind eye towards it.. the insecurity among the hindus these days about their religion and that they might supposedly lose their identity if they dont protect it from the western invasion, sounds to me more like the fear among the islam in the middle east.. !!

its time for the whole nation to wake up to this fact, this bitter truth tht we Hindus, who once boasted of being the most liberal and non propagandist religion of the world, are slowly turning into a bunch of extremists and thus creating more tension in the country between hindus and other religions int he country, especially the muslims.."

My Friend: "have to partially agree with your views. But, i feel hindus have been more tolerant than anyone else. Hindus never tried to impose their religion in other parts of the world by force unlike some religions which are trying to spread in india by appeasing the poor. Many People across the world have volunteered to join hinduism on their own. Unlike muslims, hindus never bullied anyone. But, due to some stray elements and lack of unity, hinduism is unfortunately misunderstood by many. Hindus never destroyed the churches or maszids but we know how many temples were demolished in india by muslims and how much wealth was looted. Hindus respect women a lot while you know muslims encourage polygamy and force women to wear burkha. The phrase 'Hindu extremism' is a non issue as hindus have just retaliated sometimes for their suffering and they never took the first extremist step."

My Friend: "For congress, a muslim supporter is secular and a hindu supporter is communal. There is no such instance of hindus tarnishing the secular fabric of india. It was the power mongering, pseudo secular congressmen did the bigger damage by encouraging forced conversions in places like tirupati. i was just trying to make some basic comparision. If that could lead to hindu-muslim rift, then let that happen"

Me: "okie.. i guess ur wrong in a couple of places..

1st: we did destroy masjids in the past.. babri masjid is one example which was a clear sign of our stupidity. We have also demolished churches in Kerala and in Orissa, raped nuns, and burnt them alive.. U can search on the net for it.. I knw it particularly well cause it happened in orissa and there was a curfew for a couple of days in those regions..

2nd: yes other religions are propagandist and appease the poor in india and in turn convert them.. but then why shldn the poor choose a religion where there is atelast equality, unlike ours where we kinda rate people based on caste.. if i was a SC or ST while being a hindu, and was given an option to convert into a christian, i would happily do so.. after all i too want to be treated as an equal in the society and other religions give them tht.. while hinduism still has SC, ST's, dalits and in some parts of the country even untouchability (harijans)..

3rd: coming to the part of wealth being looted from the hindu temples, i must say tht those happened in the period between 1100 AD and 1500 AD.. why dont u see tht the moghuls who rules india for almost 400 yrs did a lot of good to the country too including most of the monuments u see in delhi and other parts of the country.. so if we want to fight over something tht happened half a millennium ago, then i must say tht we are beyond stupid..

4th: women inequality is a prolly equally prevalent in india too.. not to forget tht we still had "Sati" in india till the early part of the 20th century.. and widows are still not allowed to marry in india, in most of the parts i must say.. we still have a dowry issue.. we still have domestic violence and no one to protect them from.. so i still dont see women equality any better in india as compared to any other religion in the world. "

Me: "on a last note, the govt ur so accusing of being pseudo secular i.e. congress is prolly more secular than any other govt the country has put up with.. the Babri masjid fiasco began in 1989 when BJP was in power, the demolition lead by BJP, RSS.. the rape of nuns and setting them on fire took place again under the BJP regime, the demolition of churches in kerala is again cause of RSS and BJP while the CPM was in power in the state... "

Me: "one last thing, Under the constitution of India, freedom of religion in India is a birth right.. so everyone in the country has the right to choose his or her religion. None can force anything upon them.. So lets learn to respect other people if they choose a different religion, for its their birth right.."

Me: "i dont think we are debating about the globe here.. we are debating about india.. so when u blame muslims for everythin, then can u cite some examples of indian muslims who have done those crime on hindus.. ??

i dont think there will be any (may be the godhra incident)..... but then i think i can cite a thousand examples of indian hindus who have made the lives of muslims and other religions in india, miserable..

and like u said.. imperfections are there in other religions too.. making it an idea and then into a total issue by the hindus in india is totally unnecessary.. when we ourselves arnt perfect, we dont have the right to point fingers at other religions in the country.. atleast they are not trying to damage the secular nature of india, unlike the hindus these days.. and about the program ur so talkin about, "Art of living", i dont think we, either as a nation, or as a religion, are capable enuff or even qualified enuff to teach the world about the art of living..

coming to the point of being victimized and terrorized, its not the hindus who have been thru that.. the majority of the victims has been christians and the muslims.. the reason, hinduism doesnt have as many people as christianity and islam have.. and since the 11th Century, both the religions have been at war for world dominance to have one unified religion.. we hindus have always been a minority and will continue to be so ..

i feel its high time tht we hindus awaken from our slumber and realize tht hindu extremism is a bigger threat than anythin else this country ever faced.. and no matter wht i still dont want the BJP or for tht matter any other govt solely cause of their extremist ideals and radical thought and views.."

Politically Incorrect.. !!

Writing a blog after such a long time makes me feel so bloody rustic.. Especially when i have decided to pen down about some of the politically colossal pitfalls that have already happened in the past year or so.. So without much of useless banter, lets hit the deck, Shall we ??

Year 2010 has been a roller coaster year.. a year which saw India reach new heights (or rather lows i must say.. ) in corruption, nepotism, violence and a hell lot of other things, which by now, i am sure 90% of the Indians are already used to (if you amongst one of those lucky ones to whom such articles still make a difference and you still ponder over for hours as to why doesnt the government do something about it, then consider yourself truly lucky to be still feeling so).. In fact so much has happened over the last bloody year, that by now i am certain most of you, like me, have lost of what was right and what was wrong, including the part as to where should begin from.

The 2G scam, the Aadarsh society scam, the Kashmir issue and somebody please shoot Arundhati Roy for me, will you ??  The only thing which India didnt have all these years, was a voice supporting the secession of Kashmir. Thanks to the bozos of the likes of Arundhati Roy, even that has been fulfilled. First she supports Maoists and Naxals and now she supports secession.. Looks like she has developed knack for anti-Indian terrorist activities. I see another Bandit Queen in the making, the only difference being this one wants Kashmir.. Enough of her prejudiced comments on the nation already, so please someone do me the honours of shooting her..

This year has been a year of total embarrassment for the Congress government, though on the other hand, i cannot say that i am much proud of the opposition BJP either. On one hand its the 2G scam, thanks to which A.Raja has finally etched his name in the annals of history as "Spectrum Raja", then on the other its the Aadarsh Society scam. Looks like the politicians involved in the Aadarsh scam were not so "aadarsh" after all.. Common guys, we all know how much you make a year, atleast you could have spared the poor war widows.. !! Thats the least you could do, since you can neither fight the war (since you are mentally challenged) nor give them any monetary remuneration (since ur monetarily challenged)..

I dont even want to get started on the 2G scam. Its one endless dirty ocean in which surprisingly, everyone in the country in involved.. The sad part of the whole scam being that it threatens to taint one of the most respected business families of India, The Tata's.. As much as i respect them, its sad to see Ratan Tata involved in the whole mess.. Along with all the above, a new term was coined somewhere amidst all this chaos, our own analogy to "WaterGate", "BarkhaGate"..  The tape conversations between her and Radia showcased her lobbying skills.. someone needs to ask her about her cut of the share.. So there goes one of India's premier journalists and I am sure NDTV or for that matter other TV channels must have a hand in the whole thing too..

The India-China story is something which is as old as anyone can remember. In order to improve the relations between both the countries, the government decided to introduce Chinese into CBSE curriculum from 6th class onwards... Somebody please explain me how is making Indian kids learn Chinese (a language is not a global language, neither an easy one) supposed to improve global relations between India and China... ??? That beats me completely.. I can only sympathize with those poor kids who have now learn Chinese, thanks to the government for it..

So finally I guess people will have 2 parties to choose from: a corrupt Congress party or an Extremist BJP (i am sure everyone knows the reasons behind them already. They somehow manage to stay in news for the same reason, all the time, since their inception.) I guess its not such a difficult choice after all. I dont even want to talk abt the CPM's and JD's (Janta Dal not Jack Daniels), DMK, AIADMK, Trinamool, RJD (i wonder what ever happened to them and Laloo), BSP (i am sure they are busy building parks and installing statues at the cost of people's money), SP and the million other obscure parties prevalent in the country who every once in a blue moon, do some act of vandalism and pop up back into the news, so as to keep the country informed of their already forgotten existence.

Jai Hind.. Jai Corruption..  

Parte Prima..

The times were different. It was a different era, a different generation altogether and pride mattered more than one's own life. A time where loyalty once pledged to your sword was worth more than your life. Such were the times, such were the people and such was their pride. As they both stand facing each other for the great duel, for the final faceoff, they realized the final truth: There is only one winner, Only One. As they both prepare themselves for the final clash, they close their eyes, let this harsh reality sink in and in a silent prayer to god, pray that they end up on the winning side.

The crowd is standing and gazing in pure awe, on a dusty afternoon, the fate of these swordsmen will be decided. One will bite the dust, while the other crowned victorious. The atmosphere was intense and the silence maddening. Both the swordsmen wait for the other to make the first move, the first strike. Both were skilled, their blades sharp, their senses alert and both fought for pride and glory. Both sought immortality in the annals of history as the greatest that ever was, that ever will be. Both brave and fearless and equally fierce and strong. The hour was finally upon them and the long waited duel finally began. Everytime their swords crossed, they made a distinct clanging noise, a noise which the people and history will remember for a long long time. Sparks flared and with every strike the atmosphere intensified. They were relentless and determined. Slowly the silent crowd started to get noisy. It wasnt the noise of people cheering. It was the noise of distraught screams, of people who were in despair. Women screaming in despair to stop the fight, to put an end to this madness. Slowly other men joined in too. They could no longer stand the horror that they were witnessing. They could no longer stand and witness this pride driven insanity. Some fainted while some cried in agony. Such was the battle, such was the intensity.

Even though it has hardly been 20 minutes since it all began, it feels as if the 2 swordsmen have been locked in this duel for all eternity. Victory was still not in sight and both refused to give up or give in. Both have their bodies cut and are bleeding, but still refuse to stop. Its as if they had pledged to see the other person die. Till the very last drop of blood oozed out of their already bleeding bodies, they will not stop. Now nothing can make them stop, but death. Their vision was blurred and their hands shivering. May be this was the effect of blood loss, may be not. May be it was the hot summer afternoon playing its tricks, may be not. May be it the fear of death, fear so deep rooted in their minds, may be not. May be it wasnt a feeling anymore, may be it was the truth. By now 45 minutes had already passed by. Someone from the crowd screamed in shear shock "Is this even possible for 2 men to be fighting for almost an hour now and not be dead ?? " This caught their ears. Their expressions changed. The stopped the duel, momentarily, stood with their blood covered blades and let this feeling of their dreams turning true sink in. The crowd stood still, unable to comprehend this sudden change. Then to their horror they saw smiles across the faces of the swordsmen. The previous omnious silence returned, the crowd was silent again.

They now knew that this was probably how it was going to come to an end. They looked upto the sky to see the sun blazing down upon them and felt as if it was smiling upon them, smiling at their foolishness, at their insanity, at their false pride. It didnt matter anymore. They knew that the next blow will bring down the curtain, on their gruesome duel as well as on their lives. Yet they move forward with renewed vigour and valour and cross their swords to strike the final blow. By now, the ground turned red, it was blood all over and the air filled with its stench. It smelt putrid, it smelt like blood. Neither moved. None spoke. Their grips on their swords loosened and one blade hit the ground, followed by the warrior. The vibrations made by this loud noise were deafening. The other warrior smiled, let go off his heavy sword and fell on his knees. He was still profusely bleeding, oozing blood from every visible pore on his sliced body. The crowd was now furious about the final outcome. His sword caused the death of a young hero. The fallen warrior was only 15 years old, a child prodigy.

Amidst all the anger, one small child walked forward to the victorious one and offerred him some water to drink. Even though the child stood in front of the warrior with a pail of water, he could not reach for it. He could not see the generosity and the innocent of the child. The crowd was now shocked at his arrogance, at his pride. The child then realized a shocking truth. It was not his pride that blinded him, neither it was his arrogance. He was truly blind. He was the legend that the people spoke of. He was the folklore, the warrior whom people had only heard in tales narrated by travellers from far off lands. He was the "Blind Swordsman."

While people stood in a state of utter shock, he too fell onto the ground. Alas, even a legend could not cheat death. This "Parte Prima" made them immortal, in their own different ways.

A Futile Dream !!

Couple of years ago, when i was still doing some soul searching, completely disillusioned by the ongoing and never ending atrocities in my homeland, i stumbled upon "Geetanjali" written by Guru Rabindranath Tagore. it brought me peace, some tranquility to my troubled self and most imortant of all, it gave the courage to hope amidst all things worse. Tagore, being the staunch patriot he was, wrote some beautiful lines about India and his hopes for India.. I must admit that this peom still remains as one of my eternal favourties..

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high;

Where knowledge is free;

Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls;

Where words come out from the depth of truth;

Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection;

Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit;

Where the mind is led by thee into ever widening thought and action

Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

No matter how many times i read these few lines, i still cannot stop myself from contemplating whether these few lines will ever come true, whether Tagore's vision of India will ever see daylight, will his dream be ever realized. On this eve of 63rd Independence day, i still am searching for that dream to come true. somewhere amidst all this pessimism, these few lines force me to find hope and believe in that invisible hope. but then sometimes i think, is this hope all in vain.. Was Tagore wrong in envisioning such a wonderful country. May be he was, may be his words would have been different if he had decided to pen down a few words about the India as we see now.

I am not a staunch supporter of Gandhi neither i believe in Gandhism and his path of non violence. i must admit that the times are different to what it was 100 yrs ago. May be Gandhi too would have changed his opinion about it had he lived in the current era or may be not. But then Gandhi once said,

           "When women in this country can walk without fear at midnight, India will then be truly free"

I just wonder if that will ever be the scenario.. today indian women cannot walk safely even during the day. Molestations, rapes, murders, abductions, honour killings, religious radicalism, inflation, poverty, corruption, illiteracy, under deverlopment, false promises, sexual harassments, poor infrastructure are but a few of the short comings of the country.. yet we hoist the tricolour in pride to commemorate the martyrs who laid down their lives for the country.. people smile and wish each other "Happy Independence Day".

Tagore wrote only one poem in his "Geetanjali" about the nation and his dream for the future.. now i wonder whether its mere coincidence or whether he too saw the truth behind the veil which we the people have put on Mother India.

as a tribute to Tagore, i rewrote the lines of the above poem for the india of the 21st century

Where the mind is filled fear and the head stooped low,

Where knowledge is not free

Where the world has been broken up into a million fragments by narrow domestic walls,

Where words and promises by leaders are hollow,

Where tireless striving stretches its arms to make ends meet,

Where plausible thought and reason has lost its way into the dreary desert sand of religious banter,

where poverty is not a dream but a distressing reality,

where corruption and fraudulent ways have deep seated roots in the society,

where the rich get richer and the poor, poorer,

where the people worship a female deity, but a girl child is still not welcome,

where education is a not a birth right,

where hope has found its way into oblivion, like impressions on beach sand,

From that world of ignorance and despair, let my country and its countrymen, awake..

Religion..

some days ago, when i was sitting in my room, all alone and lost in my own thoughts about everything irrelevant and yet so important for our (not mine atleast) and for the daily functioning of mankind as a whole, a small thought popped up, rather a question i should say:

"What is religion.. ??"

a very pertinent question or may be not.. i am sure there are probably millions out there who might have had this same question, at some point of time in their lives and have their opinions and ideas and views.. the thought wasn't any original, but i decided to give it a thought anyways deeming it to be indigenous. after hours of surfing, reading, thinking and arguing with my friend i finally realized the true meaning of religion.. i concluded that "RELIGION IS A DISEASE", probably more deadly than AIDS or any any other known disease to mankind. its like a cancer, an unwanted growth that not only robs mankind of his individuality but also instills in them the fear of god and divine punishment.. but unlike all the other known forms of cancer, this is contagious, spreading from person to person, from country to country. it is a malignant idea, that which roots itself not in the mind of the individual but in his soul, forcing one to do thing which they would have never done in their sane self.

this is probably the only idea, which mankind loves to spread and share.. infecting others and in turn inditing their lives and personal freedom. religion is probably the single most dangerous idea persistent in the current day society. an idea as small as this, has led to the massacre of millions in the past and present, led to numerous wars since the dawn of mankind.. religion is probably more lethal than the black plague of the 14th century.. it feeds like a leech on the minds of those alive, convinces them about itself, molds their minds to suit its never ending thirst for more and then makes them preach about itself to others and promote the idea..

sometimes it feels as if this is not an idea anymore.. it feels as if its alive and is capable of thinking and acting.. religion is probably the one thing that has systematically uprooted everything that mankind has worked for so long: peace, friendship, tranquility and progress. and much to the surprise, we applaud its actions and permit it to continue vandalizing the basic of human rights: personal freedom.

the result of this pandemic is evident.. it has successfully mutated humankind, rendering them incapable of anything but degrading actions and completely bereft of every characteristic that made them human.

kudos to religion on its victory... !! it has successfully turned us all into despicable beasts.

eRgO pRoXY

eRgO pRoXY

Am i the prodigy, 

Or am i the prodigal son.

Am i the lost cause, 

The one who never returned.

Am i the visionary, 

Or am it the sanctimonious one.

Am i the destiny's child,

The one long lost and gone.

Am i the mystic warrior,

Or am i the lonely one.

Am i the nation's true hero,

The one who was slaughtered and burned.

Am i the invisible faith, 

Or am i the overwhelming fear.

Am i the old crooked man, 

The one who can see the future, the seer.

Am i the ghost of the past,

Or am i the everlasting illusion.

Am i the long forgotten memory,

The one horrific tale, the human delusion.

Am i the idea, 

Or am i the thought.

Am i the only worldly thing,

The one which everyone sought.

Am i the legend,

Or am i long forgotten tale.

Am i the unending chaos,
The one that drives this world insane.

Pandora's Box - Chaos Unleashed.. !!

.... Contd.
With this thought, i looked out of the window, only to realize that the world around me had truly evolved, in ways that i hadnt even imagined.. the sight of this ghastly evolution tormented me, tortured me. i was not sure anymore whether the picture i had in my sub-consciouness about this world, its people was real or whether it was something tht my mind convinced me into believing.. my whole world was in a turmoil.. it was in a dilapidated state, a state which i thought never existed.. but now, here i am, staring into the Pandora's box, the so called "TRUTH".. i spoke to myself, truth was wht i had wished for, yet now when i am staring right at it, into its cold ruthless dead eyes, i cannot feel anything but disgust and remorse.. disgust cause it was hideous and unappealing, remorse cause somewhere my thoughts are telling me that i was in a way responsible for the way reality had turned out to be.. i hadnt wished for this.. i never wanted to see the ugly truth.. yet now here i am, standing and staring at it.. what am i supposed to do now..?? my mind is overpowered with thoughts, the REAL thoughts (unlike the ones which my notorious yet self-conscious MIND has been showing me all these years.. )

My REAL Thoughts :

- feel good to see this evil side of me (this is the sinister side of ME..)
- feel disgusted at the mere side of this hideousness, nothing but appalling.. (10% of my MIND feels this way)
- feel annoyed at my personal self (reasons unknown.. 15% of my MIND feels so)
- feel paranoid about the future and whats in store for me (impact of the present on my MIND.. 20% of my MIND is constantly occupied with this feeling)
- feel anxiety, uncontrollable anxiety (a kind of phenomenon which my body triggers to make me realize that something is not right.. 20% of my MIND and BODY feels this gush of anxiety as if its running through my veins)
- feel pain, as if someone or something is constantly stabbing me, my MIND and my BODY with something so sharp that its piercing my thoughts, my emotions, my soul and my entire existence (a strange feeling but equally strong enough to drive me insane.. 10% of my MIND feels so)
- feel fear, fear that the darkness that surrounds me and my MIND is finally going to take over me and i will be lost in its labyrinth forever and never retrace back.. (a feeling or rather a phenomenon which my devilish yet frighteningly precise and annoying 6th sense, reminds me of constantly.. 35% of my MIND is lost in this darkness already, only waiting for the time for it to be totally lost in this oblivion of darkness)

but the question is what should i do.. or rather what can i do..  i already feel the truth driving me insane.. pushing me to the brink of my extinction.. i look down, only to realize that i am no more standing where i was when i woke up... i see myself standing on a pillar so tall that i can almost see the curvature of the earth.. that i can see a billion homes in ruins and another billion of them on the verge of being demolished... then my MIND speaks to me, yet again.. it asks me a question: "Do u think what u see is what you think it is ?? " i am silent, not knowing what the answer is.. i was sceptic as well as scared as to what the answer would be.. then it whispered to me, softly and elegantly with a smirk on its face.. i knew this feeling, i am able to comprehend this one and recall the last time i had this very same feeling..  all of a sudden, all my past memories, incidents, events, people and everything that was TRUE and REAL, was returning back to me... i felt that my mind would explode, that it will not be able to bear the brunt of the truth, of reality..  it was 15 years ago that i had the same feeling, when my (sub-conscious) MIND had put me to eternal sleep, had put me through this hallucination and had shelved my REAL MIND and THOUGHTS from myself.. now i see it all.. see all that had happened while i was locked away from reality.. the real effect of my actions on myself, on people around me and everything else related to me..

"All that u see standing on that pillar are not buildings or the earth.." said my MIND.. "Everything u see below you is a mistake u made, a blunder u committed, an unwanted event that u triggered, a wrong doing done by u... and now it has triggered a chain of unwanted and totally destructive events thats even i cannot stop, none ever can.. and the thing which u thought was earth, was ur entire life, past, present and future laid before u.. the already destroyed, so called BUILDINGS are ur past, beyond repair.. the BUILDINGS crumbling right now is ur present, a result of all the wrong doings in the past that have triggered this chaos chain.. and the barren land that u see stretched over the entire face of the earth, is what ur future will be like.. empty, hollow, all alone and driven by madness, insanity and nothing but chaos.. " saying this, the sound vanishes from my head.. i no longer feel its presence.. i can sense the void now, this never ending void..

What have i done.. knowingly and unknowingly i have set forth something that will ultimately lead me to my end.. i can feel this now.. yet i feel so calm, so peaceful.. even with all the madness surrounding me, i feel at peace.. i dont why i feel so.. i feel as if even at this apocalyptic hour knowing the truth and opening the pandora's box was probably the right thing to do.. probably i deserve to see the destruction of my present slowly and steadily.. and now i am stranded on this pillar all alone, with no means whatsoever to climb down to make any amends to my present.. or prevent my future to be the way its going to be.. i am left with only 2 choices now.. either i can jump down the pillar, in which case i am more than just sure that i will meet my end instantly (a quick painless death..) or i can just stand up here and watch my life being ruined slowly, one step at a time, one building at a time, which will eventually lead to my end (a slow painful death.. )... Either way i am just helpless...

Pandora's Box - The Human Mind...

i woke up this morning... a strange feeling, something which i am not accustomed to.. something which makes me feel uneasy yet compelling enough to make me believe that what if this strange new feeling that i have, that i feel this moment, is true.. what if the thoughts which are driving me wild and crazy now, this very instant are things and feelings which have been buttoned up, locked and thrown into the deep dark ocean of my mind, and my mind being the labyrinth, never let me open the pandora's box... but now i feel as if this lost box has not only been found, but somehow it has been mysteriously unlocked.. and this sudden gush of thoughts and events, which currently flood my mind are somehow linked and related to me.. its as if the "ME (my notorious yet self-conscious MIND)" has been shielding off "ME (the real and true ME)" from both itself and myself. but now i see it.. now i see things things which i never saw before.. truth about ME.. truth which i thought (or atleast convinced myself into believing) that it was a figment of my imagination... But now, i am confused.. i am confused about everything.. my thoughts, i dont seem to have any control over them.. more than control, i now seem to fail in comprehending them.. My thoughts, if ever there was something that i could say or rather claim to be my and solely my own, are beyond my comprehension..

suddenly, after successfully and miraculously living 23 yrs of my wretched life, i wake up on my 24th birthday morning, only to realize that all these so called 23 yrs that  i claimed to have successfully lived was nothing but a figment of my imagination.. the people i knew, the friends i had, the woman i loved, the work i did, the whole world around me including me, was all one big lie.. a misrepresentation of the truth and facts.. a total alternate reality.. something which was miraculously shelved in the sub-consciousness of the human mind.. shielding both the mind and the body from causing harm to both itself and to others..

but then, reasons apart, what is this feeling.. this feeling as if i have woken up from a state of unconsciousness after ages.. as if i was hibernating all these years when the world around me has been somehow mysteriously evolving in its own crude and random way.. everything i see around me feels so familiar yet everything is so complex.. something that my under-developed human mind is neither able to decipher nor comprehend, let alone understand its purpose or usage.. my bones feel brittle, my muscles weak, my breath elated, my vision blurred and distant, my hearing impaired, my limbs numb, my thoughts blocked, my senses sullied and over powered and the cause for all the above physical as well as psychological phenomena was just one thing, the strange feeling that i woke up to this morning. my conscious was deliberately trying to prevent my human self-conscious mind, from driving itself insane. and then i hear a noise.. something or someone was screaming to me.. oh no wait, its not something or someone.. cause there is no one out there, except for me.. then, what is this noise.. the noise now becomes distinct and clear and i recognize it... its my voice.. its me talking to myself.. in my head.. and it said to me "All that u ever knew existed, loved, cared, dreamt, wished for was nothing more than a mere hallucination.. " and then i realized that my life so far, has been one big prolonged hallucination.. with this thought i looked out of my window, only to realize that the world around me had truly evolved, in ways that i hadnt even imagined.. what would you do, if one day u wake up to realize everything that above had come true..

The Legend of a Warrior

Stillness in the air, a lull, 

the air never felt so moist and dull.

No voice, no noise, nor sound, he could hear,

There, he lies on the battlefield, in a pool of blood and fear.

Eyes wide open, staring at the azure sky,

He knows not where he is and why.

Then he saw a white flash of light,

A thought popped up "Am I dead or still alive?"

Slowly he walked through the tunnel, curious about the end,

Reflecting about his past, all the possible amends.

1162 A.D.

Born into a family of Royal blood,

In a kingdom torn apart by strife and feud.

At 6, he held his first sword ever,

Promised, he would protect the Emperor, fail never.

Proud of his son, his father taught him the skills,

Kindled the fire within, awakened the Warrior's will.

With time, he slowly started to surpass his Master,

Rumours spread, "This boy will surpass his own Father."

1178 A.D.

At 16, he was inducted into the Emperor's Royal Army,

Neither did he fear nor did he worry.

His skills were great, but so was his mind,

For a kid his age, he had both foresight and hind.

He was brave and smart, is skills unparalleled and admirable,

Rumours spread, "This boy, one day will succeed his Father as the Army General."

1184 A.D.

At 22, his accomplishments surpassed his age,

Throughout the land, spread his name and fame.

The Emperor's eyes finally fell upon this young lad,

Who surpassed every greatest warrior ever, even his Dad.

Impressed by the kid, the Emperor offered him a job, his Dream,

Which no warrior of his age had even seen.

Became the General of the Emperor's Royal Arm, like none had even been,

And Rumours soon spread, "One day, he will be the greatest warrior, this country or world has ever seen."

1192 A.D.

He fought many a war, for the Emperor,

Always the trusted servant, a true Warrior.

True to the promise, he made to his Father,

At all times, he stood like a rock, by the Emperor.

People sang his glory, far spread his name,

His wise actions, bravery and loyalty spread his fame.

He was the brave jewel, in the Emperor's crown,

A trusted one, who will protect his country, people and his throne.

But the times ahead were gloomy and dark,

For war was brewing among the country's neighbors, the biggest of them all.

The Emperor called upon for the services of his trusted man,

While Rumours spread, "This is the end of the Emperor, their clan."

1193 A.D.

He had led many battles, but this was decisive and grave,

He still was not faltered, standing strong and brave.

The enemy was strong, his army huge and mean,

He thought, "This battle will be gruesome, none like the world has ever seen."

His army looked small and puny,

For the numbers of the enemy were in hundreds, thousands and many.

But a Warrior he was, and his strong will,

Led his army in the war, if death be awaiting may be its god's will.

They fought in day and at night,

But the end did not seem near in sight.

Day 3

He lost many a men and horse,

he lost his archers, their arrows and bows.

The enemy still seemed huge and big,

Already the battlefield had piles of copses, one cannot dig.

Day 5

The battlefield was left with just battered men, piles of corpses,

The Emperor witnessed the battle, the General lost his hopes.

The Army was reduced to a mere handful of brave and tired warriors,

But they still fought, in vain hope to protect their country and Emperor.

Day 7

The battle has been raging for 7 long days,

It was now drenched in blood and graves.

The General still kept moving on ahead,

The war, for him, was not over yet.

Then a spear pierced him from the back,

And 3 more arrows followed the spear's path,

They pierced his eye, back and heart.

He fell from his horse, with a loud thud,

And the Emperor's hopes came to an end.

The Army was defeated, the War was lost,

Inspite his brave warriors, till the end, fought.

There he lay, in his pool of blood,

Hearing impaired, vision blurred.

Staring at the blue, azure sky, a smile,

Flashed across his lips, for he had lived a good life.

A genius he was, a Warrior by birth,

Even he could not escape and cheat death.

For he lay there, dead and still,

The war brought an end to his life, his fierce Will.

The Rumours came true, the war came to an end,

The clan of warriors, lost and met their end.

This was the legend of a warrior, a forgotten story,

Such was his name, fame and glory.

- Vivek

Disillusioned

i dont know what to do, 

now tht i have seen its true face, 

one side its a man, the other a beast,

at this very thought, my heart finds no peace.

it disgusts me, fills me with hatred,

one side so calm, the other a turmoil,

everytime i see it, it makes me weep.

reasons innumerable, thoughts but the same,

what have we become, mad men and insane,

devoid of humanity, nor love or care,

all that is left, lust and despair,

thoughts so hollow, dark and vicious,

nothing but desperate, lewd and lascivious.

i question myself,

when did we become so horrendous and uncouth?

losing all traces of humanity,

ethics, self respect and morality?

now i stand confused and disillusioned,

staring into the blank blue sky,

questioning my inner self,

the eternal question, WHY ??

why did man turn into a beast ?

who am i ?

WHO AM I ??

am i an outlaw, where is my destiny,

i tread on a lonely road, in search of my identity,

my journey has jus begun, no directions nor company,

dunno where i am headed, dunno whts my destiny.

journey so tough and strange,

the path i walk now is deranged.

often i question, why did i choose this path?

but seldom i knew of the aftermath.

a journey of pain and lies i walk upon,

the more i walk the more i am torn.

with every step ahead, a step towards the future,

a part of my cursed soul is butchered,

i know no reason, nor cause of this fate,

all i see now are the doors of the hell gate.

the more i lie, the more i realise,

the more i struggle and fight, the more i despise.

with every step taken in search of freedom,

the shackles of my own body and soul deepen,

my legs, arms and neck all tied by the world,

And its people, exchanged freedom for gold.

i break my shackles and escape the worldy prison,

but now my life has no reason, no direction.

freedom i earned or rather stole,

and now i am all by myself, takin a stroll,

living my new found freedom, in the free world,

where bonds and people are valued more than gold.

but now i cant feel the wind or the rain,

even in this moment of ecstacy, all i feel is pain,

the world i see now is a changed place,

where every man i confront, has the devil's face.

then i realised tht cause of my pain,

man gave away nothin, all he wanted to was gain,

greed and lust and lies had carved a statue of gold,

and every man wanted to own it, even if he was sold.

this is not the freedom i had sought for ever,

i wish i had gained freedom, never.

my soul disembodied, my body battered into shreds,

long before my freedom, i wish i was dead.

now i walk a journey, i know not where,

a journey of hatred, questions and despair.

in search of answers , questions i detest,

and till i find them all, i will seek no rest,

where is my destiny, why do i cry??

what is my identity, who am I ??