.... Contd.
With this thought, i looked out of the window, only to realize that the world around me had truly evolved, in ways that i hadnt even imagined.. the sight of this ghastly evolution tormented me, tortured me. i was not sure anymore whether the picture i had in my sub-consciouness about this world, its people was real or whether it was something tht my mind convinced me into believing.. my whole world was in a turmoil.. it was in a dilapidated state, a state which i thought never existed.. but now, here i am, staring into the Pandora's box, the so called "TRUTH".. i spoke to myself, truth was wht i had wished for, yet now when i am staring right at it, into its cold ruthless dead eyes, i cannot feel anything but disgust and remorse.. disgust cause it was hideous and unappealing, remorse cause somewhere my thoughts are telling me that i was in a way responsible for the way reality had turned out to be.. i hadnt wished for this.. i never wanted to see the ugly truth.. yet now here i am, standing and staring at it.. what am i supposed to do now..?? my mind is overpowered with thoughts, the REAL thoughts (unlike the ones which my notorious yet self-conscious MIND has been showing me all these years.. )
My REAL Thoughts :
- feel good to see this evil side of me (this is the sinister side of ME..)
- feel disgusted at the mere side of this hideousness, nothing but appalling.. (10% of my MIND feels this way)
- feel annoyed at my personal self (reasons unknown.. 15% of my MIND feels so)
- feel paranoid about the future and whats in store for me (impact of the present on my MIND.. 20% of my MIND is constantly occupied with this feeling)
- feel anxiety, uncontrollable anxiety (a kind of phenomenon which my body triggers to make me realize that something is not right.. 20% of my MIND and BODY feels this gush of anxiety as if its running through my veins)
- feel pain, as if someone or something is constantly stabbing me, my MIND and my BODY with something so sharp that its piercing my thoughts, my emotions, my soul and my entire existence (a strange feeling but equally strong enough to drive me insane.. 10% of my MIND feels so)
- feel fear, fear that the darkness that surrounds me and my MIND is finally going to take over me and i will be lost in its labyrinth forever and never retrace back.. (a feeling or rather a phenomenon which my devilish yet frighteningly precise and annoying 6th sense, reminds me of constantly.. 35% of my MIND is lost in this darkness already, only waiting for the time for it to be totally lost in this oblivion of darkness)
but the question is what should i do.. or rather what can i do.. i already feel the truth driving me insane.. pushing me to the brink of my extinction.. i look down, only to realize that i am no more standing where i was when i woke up... i see myself standing on a pillar so tall that i can almost see the curvature of the earth.. that i can see a billion homes in ruins and another billion of them on the verge of being demolished... then my MIND speaks to me, yet again.. it asks me a question: "Do u think what u see is what you think it is ?? " i am silent, not knowing what the answer is.. i was sceptic as well as scared as to what the answer would be.. then it whispered to me, softly and elegantly with a smirk on its face.. i knew this feeling, i am able to comprehend this one and recall the last time i had this very same feeling.. all of a sudden, all my past memories, incidents, events, people and everything that was TRUE and REAL, was returning back to me... i felt that my mind would explode, that it will not be able to bear the brunt of the truth, of reality.. it was 15 years ago that i had the same feeling, when my (sub-conscious) MIND had put me to eternal sleep, had put me through this hallucination and had shelved my REAL MIND and THOUGHTS from myself.. now i see it all.. see all that had happened while i was locked away from reality.. the real effect of my actions on myself, on people around me and everything else related to me..
"All that u see standing on that pillar are not buildings or the earth.." said my MIND.. "Everything u see below you is a mistake u made, a blunder u committed, an unwanted event that u triggered, a wrong doing done by u... and now it has triggered a chain of unwanted and totally destructive events thats even i cannot stop, none ever can.. and the thing which u thought was earth, was ur entire life, past, present and future laid before u.. the already destroyed, so called BUILDINGS are ur past, beyond repair.. the BUILDINGS crumbling right now is ur present, a result of all the wrong doings in the past that have triggered this chaos chain.. and the barren land that u see stretched over the entire face of the earth, is what ur future will be like.. empty, hollow, all alone and driven by madness, insanity and nothing but chaos.. " saying this, the sound vanishes from my head.. i no longer feel its presence.. i can sense the void now, this never ending void..
What have i done.. knowingly and unknowingly i have set forth something that will ultimately lead me to my end.. i can feel this now.. yet i feel so calm, so peaceful.. even with all the madness surrounding me, i feel at peace.. i dont why i feel so.. i feel as if even at this apocalyptic hour knowing the truth and opening the pandora's box was probably the right thing to do.. probably i deserve to see the destruction of my present slowly and steadily.. and now i am stranded on this pillar all alone, with no means whatsoever to climb down to make any amends to my present.. or prevent my future to be the way its going to be.. i am left with only 2 choices now.. either i can jump down the pillar, in which case i am more than just sure that i will meet my end instantly (a quick painless death..) or i can just stand up here and watch my life being ruined slowly, one step at a time, one building at a time, which will eventually lead to my end (a slow painful death.. )... Either way i am just helpless...
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Pandora's Box - The Human Mind...
i woke up this morning... a strange feeling, something which i am not accustomed to.. something which makes me feel uneasy yet compelling enough to make me believe that what if this strange new feeling that i have, that i feel this moment, is true.. what if the thoughts which are driving me wild and crazy now, this very instant are things and feelings which have been buttoned up, locked and thrown into the deep dark ocean of my mind, and my mind being the labyrinth, never let me open the pandora's box... but now i feel as if this lost box has not only been found, but somehow it has been mysteriously unlocked.. and this sudden gush of thoughts and events, which currently flood my mind are somehow linked and related to me.. its as if the "ME (my notorious yet self-conscious MIND)" has been shielding off "ME (the real and true ME)" from both itself and myself. but now i see it.. now i see things things which i never saw before.. truth about ME.. truth which i thought (or atleast convinced myself into believing) that it was a figment of my imagination... But now, i am confused.. i am confused about everything.. my thoughts, i dont seem to have any control over them.. more than control, i now seem to fail in comprehending them.. My thoughts, if ever there was something that i could say or rather claim to be my and solely my own, are beyond my comprehension..
suddenly, after successfully and miraculously living 23 yrs of my wretched life, i wake up on my 24th birthday morning, only to realize that all these so called 23 yrs that i claimed to have successfully lived was nothing but a figment of my imagination.. the people i knew, the friends i had, the woman i loved, the work i did, the whole world around me including me, was all one big lie.. a misrepresentation of the truth and facts.. a total alternate reality.. something which was miraculously shelved in the sub-consciousness of the human mind.. shielding both the mind and the body from causing harm to both itself and to others..
but then, reasons apart, what is this feeling.. this feeling as if i have woken up from a state of unconsciousness after ages.. as if i was hibernating all these years when the world around me has been somehow mysteriously evolving in its own crude and random way.. everything i see around me feels so familiar yet everything is so complex.. something that my under-developed human mind is neither able to decipher nor comprehend, let alone understand its purpose or usage.. my bones feel brittle, my muscles weak, my breath elated, my vision blurred and distant, my hearing impaired, my limbs numb, my thoughts blocked, my senses sullied and over powered and the cause for all the above physical as well as psychological phenomena was just one thing, the strange feeling that i woke up to this morning. my conscious was deliberately trying to prevent my human self-conscious mind, from driving itself insane. and then i hear a noise.. something or someone was screaming to me.. oh no wait, its not something or someone.. cause there is no one out there, except for me.. then, what is this noise.. the noise now becomes distinct and clear and i recognize it... its my voice.. its me talking to myself.. in my head.. and it said to me "All that u ever knew existed, loved, cared, dreamt, wished for was nothing more than a mere hallucination.. " and then i realized that my life so far, has been one big prolonged hallucination.. with this thought i looked out of my window, only to realize that the world around me had truly evolved, in ways that i hadnt even imagined.. what would you do, if one day u wake up to realize everything that above had come true..
suddenly, after successfully and miraculously living 23 yrs of my wretched life, i wake up on my 24th birthday morning, only to realize that all these so called 23 yrs that i claimed to have successfully lived was nothing but a figment of my imagination.. the people i knew, the friends i had, the woman i loved, the work i did, the whole world around me including me, was all one big lie.. a misrepresentation of the truth and facts.. a total alternate reality.. something which was miraculously shelved in the sub-consciousness of the human mind.. shielding both the mind and the body from causing harm to both itself and to others..
but then, reasons apart, what is this feeling.. this feeling as if i have woken up from a state of unconsciousness after ages.. as if i was hibernating all these years when the world around me has been somehow mysteriously evolving in its own crude and random way.. everything i see around me feels so familiar yet everything is so complex.. something that my under-developed human mind is neither able to decipher nor comprehend, let alone understand its purpose or usage.. my bones feel brittle, my muscles weak, my breath elated, my vision blurred and distant, my hearing impaired, my limbs numb, my thoughts blocked, my senses sullied and over powered and the cause for all the above physical as well as psychological phenomena was just one thing, the strange feeling that i woke up to this morning. my conscious was deliberately trying to prevent my human self-conscious mind, from driving itself insane. and then i hear a noise.. something or someone was screaming to me.. oh no wait, its not something or someone.. cause there is no one out there, except for me.. then, what is this noise.. the noise now becomes distinct and clear and i recognize it... its my voice.. its me talking to myself.. in my head.. and it said to me "All that u ever knew existed, loved, cared, dreamt, wished for was nothing more than a mere hallucination.. " and then i realized that my life so far, has been one big prolonged hallucination.. with this thought i looked out of my window, only to realize that the world around me had truly evolved, in ways that i hadnt even imagined.. what would you do, if one day u wake up to realize everything that above had come true..
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